Recipe for Success

When your wife (unexpectedly) has to spend an evening during the week at some kind of industry thing, this is your cue to live as a bachelor again. Time is of the essence, as she will not be long and you’ve got much to do. You are trying to squeeze an entire weekend vacation into three hours. Hold fast: you can do it.

The following list of tasks may assist you. Complete them:

  1. Light cigar immediately upon taking your seat in your vehicle. This will improve the drive and set the correct mood for the evening.
  2. Tune radio to AM Sports or Politics talk station (your choice).
  3. Upon arrival at home: immediately order pizza with meat toppings. It does not matter what kind or from which chain. Nor does it matter if you are a health nut or vegetarian. Only short delivery time is important, and you need the pizza immediately. Do this while standing in the garage, finishing cigar.
  4. (Optional) Take picture of self to commemorate the occasion.
  5. Await pizza while watching sports on TV or by listening to your music and typing stuff and browsing.
  6. When pizza arrives, consume entire pizza. Do this even if it makes you physically ill. That is small consequence. While eating pizza, watch TV loudly and read magazines.

When you hear your wife’s key in the door, quickly clean up pizza box, paper plates, napkins, crumbs. Turn down volume on TV and set channel to HGTV. Push in chairs. Remove cat from cat-restricted couch. Re-stack magazines. Dump laundry basket (always at the ready) and begin folding. The sweat on your brow will let her know how hard at work you’ve been.

Be sure to ask her how it went.

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